Considering Grief and the Local Church

               Working as a Licensed Pastoral Counselor in Private Practice has been a very rewarding experience. Prior to starting Pine Coast Counseling I did the work of a Care Pastor at a local church. I would see hurting people, and I would see happy people. I got to see the joys, heartbreaks, losses, triumphs, and challenges of so many people. It was truly a blessing. However, I felt a lot of tension. Even as the dedicated Care Pastor, I had a lot of competing responsibilities, as is typical in pastoral ministry. I never felt that I was able to reserve or dedicate the time people needed for longer term Christian Counseling.

               I certainly cannot minimize how absolutely appropriate it is for the pastor to speak into the lives of those they care for. If you are in a healthy church the pastor should be accessible to you. That being said, while your pastor may be the first person you think of to go to when life hurts, he may not always be the most appropriate immediate resource, or the resource that can devote the amount of time you may need, as I mentioned as my own experience. I’d like to take a walk with you exploring the paths upstream and downstream of the local pastor.

               When death affects us and we have lost a loved one, we will (or should) find ourselves in the company of leaders of the church. Those leaders should stay involved as much as is reasonable through the immediacy of the death and through the funeral services. They will, or should, follow up with you to see how you are doing. However, more than likely they will not be able to continue to meet with you and surround you as they did in the immediate aftermath of the death. This is where the local church really becomes important. Our sadness, our tears, our cries, they can all be shouldered by our brothers and sisters in the church. This is the appropriate function of the church (Galatians 6:2), and about 90% of this kind of care can be supported by lay leaders and other members of the church. What does that other 10% look like though? Who is appropriate to handle that?

               The grieving process can be complicated. On top of the death of a loved one there are many other losses that need to be recognized. Maybe it’s the loss of a companion, the loss of the plans for a future, the loss of seeing your kid grow up and graduate high school. Loss can be sudden or it can be very long and drawn out. It can be simple or complicated. You may find that months after the loss you still cannot sleep, or the feelings you get when you think of the loved one are nothing short of crippling. Maybe you’ve turned to alcohol or other destructive escapes. In these circumstances, you need to have your church family nearby, but you should also consider deeper more intentional interventions. I want to emphasize that many pastors are very capable of providing excellent care in situations like I just described. The problem comes with bandwidth. Your pastor may not be able to walk with you through your emotions week to week as he will have many competing responsibilities. If this is the case, you should ask your pastor if he has a recommendation for a trusted Christian Counselor. Pine Coast Counseling is trusted by many churches in the Southern Maine area. It may even be worth consulting with your pastor about working with me. The beauty of my work as a Licensed Pastoral Counselor is that I can provide care on a long term and regularly recurring basis. You determine how often we meet and for how long. Sometimes it can take years to move through losses, and other times it simply helpful to have a consistent and trusted voice for a shorter period of time.

               Receiving competent Christ-centered Christian Counseling, whether it’s from your pastor or an independent therapist like myself, can be an incredibly valuable investment of your time, but do not neglect to seek the support of your church family. God gives His grace through all members of the body.